they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
