this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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