the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
