we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
