there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize