Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
