True but thats because hes a fetus.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
