im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
