I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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