Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
handjob tips. give me some.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
