you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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