And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
