everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
