My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
