The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
