All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize