I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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