I cannot find my penis.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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