Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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