Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
