Little spoons don't ask big questions
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
