The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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