No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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