New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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