Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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