there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
