For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
