apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
