12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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