I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
