What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
