i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
