We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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