respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
