She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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