I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
