call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
