Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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