I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
