I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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