Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
