we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
