It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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