I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
