Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
