My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
