I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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