My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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