We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
