I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize