just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
it's like iHOP with fire
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
