Just cropdusted the office
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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