walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
