why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize