woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
