i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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