when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize