Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
