A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
