So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
