I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
