why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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