Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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