Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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