Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
