Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
