i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
