I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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