i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Holy sore nipples Batman
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
