I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
