if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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