I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
