It's Friday. Sex?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Acid is not a monday night drug
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
