I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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