An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
